Life's True Colours
itz funny how as i grow older, i begin to discover more abt myself and the life's values. [dont we all..?] This past week i've been travelling across the country with my family to visit relatives during eid. Most of them have grown old, some have gotten sick, and some have died. Itz a pity that i barely knew them due to living overseas...
i get jealous when i c my frens who have gr8 relationships with their cousins...my cousins are practically strangers to me. Sumtimes, i dont even remember their names..! My parents took the effort to travel far to see them every eid. But i can never seem to open my usually big mouth to talk to them. I dunno y...Itz been 5 years already, and i have never gotten into a decent conversation with any of em...especially those in Penang. where most of 'em are around my age.
So on my way to my mum's place in Klang, i made a promise to myself to be more approachable there and do it in Penang the next tym i visit. So far so good..! I'm playing with kids and having fun and feeling appreciated. [i've alwayz found kidz annoying] I try to talk to people evn tho we havent seen each other for years...and itz nice to noe dat so much have happened in our lives since we parted.
Afta seeing my cuzzins in Penang all grown up and talkin bout their relationships and getting married, i felt somewhat 'lonely'...i started to notice how most of my frenz around me have or had relationships or at least have people who have interest in them..and i seem to never have anyone who have interest in me...anywhere. I felt like such a loser, God knows why...i cudnt take anymore, coz sumthing recently happened dat made me feel so damn rejected...as a FRIEND. I felt that diz person has rejected me as being his/her friend. I opened up to my parents and i never knew that they were open to discuss this with me. Afta talkin to them, i felt a lot better and most importantly HAPPIER...if not, i wud wake up every morning feeling like a fat reject bcoz even my 14 yr old brother is pretty much d [most wanted] guy in d school i used to go to. Every1 wanted to be his fren..he has tons of secret admirers...not the high skewl lyf i went thru.
Surrrre...i had loads of frenz during high skewl, but i was alwayz the big gurl..the blue hippo...well, i was FAT. and still am. i hated myself...my body. I'm fat. All my frenz had relationships in high school, but i didnt. i noticed that they were thin. The gurlz who were popular wif d guyz were thin...I dont care if it was monkey love...i juz wanted the experience. Nobody was serious when they were 17..now i'll never noe...
Dont evn talk abt pre-U...that's where i felt most rejected. i pretty much avoided eye contact with evry1 except with my frenz. I felt like crying everyday bcoz of a certain incident dat happened while i was there. If it weren't 4 my frenz, i'd prolly go nutz, or fail or commit suicide. It did take me down..but not to an extent that cud destroy me forever...Thank goodness God opened up a 2nd chance for me. Sigh~
So here i am in uni. Doing civil engineering..itz not exactly law,but i'm enjoying it. Altho at certain tymz, i still feel ugly, hated and rejected, bcoz d people i hang around wif r not hated or rejected. They already have admirers...and i dont. I needed sum1 to talk to...and i feel much much better after talkin to d people i least expected to talk to...my parents. Now i have a guide on how to face life and itz issues. The type of people i'll be facing, the challenges that will come...
I've been wasting my life worrying about how ugly and fat i am when there's more to life. So what if people reject me? That's God's way of telling me that person iz not the 1 or not good enuff to be a loyal fren. Sure, itz a tough experience...it hurts. But when i do find a true friend or the 1 if i'm lucky, i noe i'll be happy...no, happier. Coz right now, i am happy.
